I intended to include the text bellow in my upcoming book “After anatta” and I changed my mind.
It does bring certain things about my current perception across so I post it here:
“There is a lot of commotion going on around the so called attainments according to various existing maps. We have Wilber map of lines, states and stages, the Four Paths Theravada map, Sri Ramana Maharshi’s levels of samadhi, Meher Baba chart; A∴A∴ or O.T.O. initiatory grades etc…
Attainment claim in this context would be: I am at anagami stage; I have attained Nirbikalpa Samadhi; I am arahat; I am at Nondual; I am finally at the Subtle level; I am past the Subtle level; I have passed the Abyss!; I have attained and experienced AQAL (all quadrants all levels as per Wilber) etc…
I usually hear questions and comments like: “Oh my God, have I attained the Subtle level, am I there yet? When will my effort bring fruition?”, “I am at Subtle level, finally!”, “How do I stay at the Causal level?” and “How exactly to enter and stay at Nondual level?”.
People and students ask me all sorts of questions, these being the most glaring: “How does it feel when you enter Nondual or anatta or sunyata? Do you still feel pain and do you have problems in life? Are you aware of God all of the time? How does it feel to be able to enter samadhi at will? Are you Enlightened?”
Well, here is my claim of attainment, speaking in and for the domain of conventional reality:
As far as I am concerned, I have nothing special to say on the subject. Despite all experiences presented in the present work or on my Blog, on a personal, Authentic level, I can still be a complete shithead (just like I was twenty years ago) and I usually am, too. I am so used to just witnessing the drama of life that I take all that is happening to me and others as an elaborate joke; this usually means that people around me get hurt due to my lack of empathy. I can appear to be quite dispassionate and withdrawn. It is all just a play or drama to me (as of late, however, all the anatta insights combined have changed that somewhat).
I cannot levitate, I can’t read minds (for the most part), and I don’t know when Maitreya and His Masters of Wisdom will emerge. I do not know what your mission in life is and I don’t care much about it either. I cannot awaken your dormant Kundalini (whatever that means); I have got no clue who built the Egypt pyramids; I have no healing powers, sorry; I have not seen any UFO yet and I have got no more miracle powers or siddhis by myself than the next guy from the street.
Basically, I am just another guy.
Furthermore, I really can’t stand insincerity and I love to withdraw if I even suspect a manipulative and calculative person approaching. I shun the company of people infected by the victim mentality. I usually fuck up my daily appointments and would be lost without a digital calendar (I usually can’t tell what day it is). And when driving a car, well, I am quite lost even with the GPS on.
On top of that, I am very, very, very sensitive, much more than it shows; I tend to cry when I am away from my darling daughter Lara more than four or five days – I relish our time together, she is so alive, so full of Life. And my heart is quite shattered whenever I see or hear a mother scream at her three year old child without any reason and at the same time I sometimes still raise my voice to my own little girl.
And so, what about my attainment? I don’t know. What I do know, however, is this (from a personal standpoint): I truly hope to never ever again come to this fucked up Planet where people in general are either violent or polite and kind to each other only to avoid confronting deeper truths about themselves; there is nothing here to stick around for anymore, apart from contributing to the well being of others (which, for the most part, can and do take care of themselves anyway); and I would gladly give my life even for a few minutes in real physical presence of my Spiritual Master, Sri Babaji.
And, at the same time, all of these thoughts are not really convincing anymore, not even to me; it is all just currently arising and it will soon cease.
gate gate pāragate pārasaṃgate bodhi svāhā”