Wilber map & relationships

posted in: NVC, Transpersonalno | 0

Well, it seems that the blog titled “Wilber map for dummies” (you can read it here >>) contributed to understanding of the Wilber map somewhat and a few very interesting questions arose (thank you!) about the Wilber map & relationships.

Before we get right down to it, I would to point out that in real life the attainment of certain stages of awareness as per Wilber map is not as clearly cut as it may seem. And so a person may be intellectually very well on the spiritual Subtle level and emotionally still struggling and slowly pulling herself out of Mental ego level (clearing out the Shadow). There are various components of our inner life that need to be considered: emotional life, morality, intellectual capacities, empirical component etc…

In my answers below I write as if the persons are fully established at each level of identity development under discussion.

Q: I am wondering if it is possible for two persons at different levels of awareness to be in a really loving relationship.
Say one on the Mental ego level and the other on the Authentic level.

A: That is an excellent question!
Well, while in relationships everything is subjective and situations vary, I seriously doubt it that a Mental Ego oriented person and an Authentic one would have a chance in long-term and loving relationship.

You see, there is a whole Universe of differences between these two levels, as far as I can see. Mental level is in my opinion and experiences very dry, fast and more or less devoid of any responsibility.

And that alone is in a stark contrast with the soft, empathic and responsible Authentic level. Responsibility I am speaking about here is the very important process of assuming full responsibility for one’s own emotions, thoughts, words and deeds. And that seems to happen only after the Shadow has been cleared out, thus attaining the Authentic level for good.

In my observation, an Authentic person simply would not find a relationship with a Mental level partner satisfying. Mental Ego level seems to be filled with pieces of information on how one ought to live (instead of how one wants to live, in his heart), there is a lot of argumentative communication and analysis and labeling (instead of felling with others, compassionately), safe distance from others (and from oneself, of course, and from facing deeper reality squarely) and virtually no contact with real inner life, i.e. emotions and needs/potentials.

Of course, an Authentic person has seen through those mental structures and doesn’t really need them anymore. What fills his/her heart with joy is deep and heartfelt contact with someone, trust, openness and working together, as a team, giving and receiving, lovingly and freely from the heart.

Mental level person would have a very hard time trying to keep up with the spontaneous and free-from-limiting-structures thinking that an Authentic person employs. Also, true and honest communication, based on clear awareness of authentic emotions and needs, is to a Mental ego what might a Copenhagen interpretation of Quantum Mechanics mean to a Newtonian physicist: an enigma, for the most part.

In other words, a Mental level person has yet to learn how to live in harmony with inner authentic emotions and needs, something that an Authentic level person lives day in day out, easily.

A Mental Ego on the other hand, would probably need a time off, a break of some sort and a structured procedure on daily bases even to come into direct contact with his feelings and needs, what to speak about living in harmony with the inner Life.

In my experiences and also according to my observations, a really loving and lasting relationship is full of present and authentic feelings and needs that both partners are fully aware of and where both are willingly and spontaneously sharing inner Life as it unfolds in real time. And a Mental Ego, in my opinion, doesn’t have what it takes, yet.

In my opinion, a Mental Ego usually employs different “tools” in relationships, which might include manipulation, highly mentally structured plans and expectations, masks such as social status, education titles, money, power, body even etc… to present and express him/herself to others.

Authentic person is on totally different planet, in my opinion. Being in deep contact with his own emotions and needs is easy for him. No problems. It is easy to set and observe clear boundaries for an Authentic person. Also a paradoxical thinking is not a problem at this level, something that a Mental Ego hardly understands and embraces not, not even by far, it seems.

Personal freedom is what an Authentic person enjoys, and that is something a Mental Ego still needs to attain. Till then, well, you wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with his/her mother or father, yes? Well that’s maybe what a Mental Ego person, still overwhelmed by Shadow, acts as: not as a fully developed person, but as a mix of influences from father, mother, instructors, professors, TV, systems etc.

No, my opinion based on experiences suggest that an Authentic level person is not a good match for a Mental Ego. Unless the Authentic Self chooses to be with a Mental Ego, of course.


Q: OK, what about a person on the Subtle level? Would she be a good match to persons that are NOT yet at the Subtle level?

A: Nope.
Well, that’s my opinion.

You see, a Subtle level person is truly spiritually realized soul which not only sees through the Mental Ego limitations, but also through Authenticity itself.

Subtle level person is even more open, more free-flowing, for she is in direct contact with her immortal and perfect Soul (and other perfect Beings upon the Subtle transpersonal level). And that is something that even fully self-actualized and Authentic person still hasn’t come even close to.

You see, at the Subtle transpersonal level, there is no need for structure that seems to be so precious to both Mental and Authentic levels. A Subtle level person is free flowing, using no structure in his/her decisions. It is a transpersonal or spiritual impulses from within that such as person seem to follow, not social or intellectual or personal guidelines. And that in itself might be a huge challenge to a partner that is not yet at the Subtle level.

The Subtle Self seems to be self-sufficient and satisfied from within, while an Authentic Self still thinks he has to change things, on the inside and also on the outside.

So, no, I don’t see a bright future for a relationship with a Subtle level person and Mental/Authetnic level person. Unless the Subtle Self chooses otherwise.


Q: What about the Causal Self? How does a person at this level function in a loving relationship?

In my opinion, s/he doesn’t.

The Causal level is so far above the personal ones, and so fulfilling in itself (atma-rama in Sanskrit) that such a person finds nothing worth while in a personal relationships.

Maybe thats why all of the liberated Masters from the past and present, are single. No need for anything. The Causal Self is the only one in Existence, so why bother with “others”?

And pretty much the same goes for a Nondual level person. There is no lust left in Nondual, no desires, no clinging and no craving.

And if by some twist of fate a Causal Self got involved with a person, any person really, He would be of perfect support.



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